Walking Away
by Emely
Summary: Post-ep for 10.1.


**Disclaimer: I don't own anyone. Surprise, surprise?**

**  
Set after "Now What?". I don't read spoilers, so you're good as long as you've seen 10.1. **

**Walking Away**

***~*~***

No, no, no. He can't leave here. Not after what happened with Luka. I can't be here, the fact that he could be hurt a million miles away from me, helpless, stirring in my mind. I can't do this. So I'm chasing after him.   
  
"You don't have to go tonight." I push past the plastic that's replacing the doors, trying to keep up with his fast pace. Don't leave here, John. Don't you dare. 

  
"I'll call you when I get to Paris."   
  
"Just, Can't you just please wait until it's a little bit safer?" I grab at his hand, trying to get him to turn around.   
  
Stop walking away from me. 

"No, I can't leave him there!" He's not making any sense. Why does it matter to him so much?  
  
"Well, I just- I don't want you to go!" I'm still walking after him. I don't want him to go. I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want him to end up like Luka. I don't want to have to get a phone call telling me he's dead. I don't want to live without him. I can't. 

"I'll be gone a couple of days, I'll call you." He's brushing me off like it's nothing. Doesn't he understand? The pain, the agony I'm going through. 

"John, please, please just stay!" I'm flat out begging him. But he's still walking away. "I can't keep doing this!" I yell after him. He stops, and for a moment I think he's going to turn around. But he just walks away. 

This is not happening. I stop walking, standing alone in the ambulance bay.   
  
No.   
  
You're not getting away this time.   
  
"John!" I run to catch up to him, then stand in front of him, blocking his path. I grab his arms in my hands, forcefully making him stop. "John, don't go, don't go... I can't..." 

"I have to go find him." He tries to get away, but my fingers are gripping the sleeves of his jacket, not letting him move. 

"You don't have to, John, he's dead! And I don't want you to take a chance, just so that-" 

"I'm not taking a chance, I'll be fine." I raise my head to meet his, looking him straight in the eye. He holds my stare for what seems like an eternity, and then looks over my shoulder to the passing El. "I should go."  
  
"No, please, just... wait. John. Until it's safer. I can't stand the thought of you..." my voice breaks, and the tears that had been collecting start to fall. "Not coming home." He doesn't say anything, so I continue, trying to position my head so that he can't see the tears that are streaming down my face. "I can't- I don't know what I would do, I don't want to be here working when we get the phone call. And this time it'll be a million times worse. Because it's you. And I can't- I can't..." My voice cracks and it's too hard to speak through my tears. I'm flat out sobbing now.   
  
He drops his bags to the floor and wraps his arms around me, his left hand traveling up to the back of my head, pulling it into a resting place on his shoulder as I continue to sob. I haven't been this close to him in what feels like forever. My hands are still gripping his sleeves, and I'm sure my knuckles have turned white. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be this weak. 

"Abby..." The only response is a muffled sob coming from me. "I'll come home. I promise you, I'll come home. If I have to crawl all the way back, I'll come home to you. I'm not leaving you here. But it's just something I have to do."   
  
I shake my head against his shoulder, trying to pull him closer to me, which is pretty damn impossible, at this moment. "No, no..."

  
"I'll be back before you know it. And everything will be fine then, I promise." I've never felt so vulnerable. He's breaking me, one piece at a time. With every word that comes out of his mouth. But yet none of it matters. He's leaving again. I'm not naive, I don't want to believe that when - if - he comes home, everything will be fine. I can't do that. Not after everything that's happened.

"It won't. It won't be fine. What if you never come back?" 

  
"Don't say that. I will." I pull my head away from his shoulder and stop crying, just to look him in the eye. His hand travels to my face and he brushes away my tears. 

I can't take it anymore. "Damnit, John. Luka is dead. He's dead! It could just have easily been you!"   
  
"But it wasn't!" 

"It could've been! It could be you lying there in the middle of god-knows-where, dead!" I'm yelling now. My body is shaking and my fingers are starting to get numb from holding on to him too tight. "You can't leave. You can't go there. You can't make me go through this again."   
  
"I'm sorry. But I have to. I left him there, and I-"   
  
"You don't have to, you know you don't have to-"

"I'll see-" We both stop for a second, and I wait to see what he has to say next. "I'll see you soon." He gently places his hands on mine, prying my numb fingers away from his jacket. "Goodbye, Abby."   
  
And that's it. No "I love you"'s, no kisses, no hugs... just a simple goodbye. I watch as his figure disappears into the El station, and I sigh. 

We're both experts at walking away.

**I wasn't going to post this, since I obviously can't live up to the other amazing post-eps out there, but someone convinced me too. I'll love you forever and ever if you hit that little review button and leave me one. :)**


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